Emotions are my biggest fear. I know, we’ve talked about my biggest fear being clowns, but I actually think emotions are scarier. This unhealthy relationship with emotions has been affected by experiencing unregulated emotions by those around me. It’s impacted me so much that when I feel strong emotions bubbling, I shut them down.
Obviously (or, actually not that obvious), that’s a bad thing. Before coming to this realization though, I actually thought I was taking the high road by just keeping my emotions at bay. It wasn’t until l someone asked me how my day was going and I couldn’t actually answer that I realized, “huh, maybe something is wrong.” So, back to my counselor I went. And oh boy, she kicked my butt (in the best way, as only your counselor can).
She reminded me that when I shut off my emotions (normally to avoid the bad) that I’m also shutting off the good. Then she asked me a question that completely shattered my thought process. She said “why don’t you feel like you deserve to feel your emotions?” I still don’t have an answer for that, but it really got me thinking. Emotions are a privilege to feel, and God gave them to us for a reason, so why am I blocking them? Sure, they might not always be expressed in the best way, but if I don’t practice using them, I’ll always avoid them.
