I have a quality about me that I don’t find to be the least bit admirable, and I’ve always been mystified as to why I have this tendency.
When I find someone to be needy in any way, I will (usually quite unconsciously) withhold whatever it is they are so desperately craving. Whether it’s recognition, validation, encouragement, or compliments, I refuse to indulge them. Part of it is good, old-fashioned annoyance, but I have also managed to convince myself that by giving them the attention they’d need to thrive in whatever it is they’re doing, I would be setting them up for unrealistic expectations in the majority of their real-world interactions.
Yes, I often convince myself that this mean streak of mine is serving a practical purpose.
The irony? If you were to ask my husband, family and very close friends if I am a needy person, they wouldn’t hesitate to say, “Absolutely. In may ways, she is.”
While I choose to hide my own neediness behind a certain gruffness that I can exhibit with the people who don’t disguise their bid to be reassured in some way, the bare-bones, awkward truth of it is that part of me also needs that reassurance they’re coming to me to receive. I, however, in my stubbornness, will not exhibit that vulnerability. My frustration just builds from there, thus enacting this “mean streak” of mine.
Is it kind? No. Is it a weird, instinctual response to my own deep-rooted insecurities? Absolutely. And it was only recently that this dawned on me.
If you were to do a deep dive into your own mean streaks, you’d likely also find that it’s a mirror to your most profound insecurities. It’s a difficult conversation to have with oneself, but if we can identify the motivation of ingrained bad behaviors, perhaps it will help us reposition even our most malicious tendencies and move us in the direction of the kindness and grace that our Savior extends to us every day.
For in our moments of kindness, we are most like Jesus.
Colossians 3:12 – Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.